A Letter for When You Miss Someone Who Hurt You
Permission to Grieve the Love That Wasn’t Safe
Dear you,
There’s a kind of grief no one prepares you for. The grief that arrives after you leave someone who hurt you.
It doesn’t look dramatic.
It doesn’t announce itself.
It slips in quietly, in the moments when you finally have space to breathe.
Maybe it shows up when you hear a song you once loved together.
Maybe it hits you in the grocery store, or in the car, or in the middle of a perfectly normal day.
Maybe it comes as a heaviness you can’t name.
And then the shame follows.
“Why do I miss them?”
“Why does this still hurt?”
“What is wrong with me?”
Nothing is wrong with you.
You’re grieving something real, even if the relationship wasn’t safe, healthy, or sustainable.
This is the grief no one talks about.
The grief that feels “wrong” but is actually deeply human.
You’re Not Missing the Pain. You’re Missing the Possibility
When someone hurt you, you didn’t just lose them.
You lost:
the version of them you hoped was real
the moments that felt like love
the future you imagined
the self you tried to become to keep the peace
You’re not grieving the harm.
You’re grieving the hope.
You’re grieving the tenderness that was inconsistent but intoxicating.
You’re grieving the connection your nervous system clung to for survival.
You’re grieving the fantasy of what could have been, not the reality of what was.
That kind of grief is complicated.
And it’s valid.
Your Body Remembers the Bond Even If Your Mind Remembers the Hurt
When love is unpredictable, warm one moment and cold the next, your nervous system learns to chase the highs and brace for the lows.
That’s how trauma bonds form.
Not because you’re weak, but because your body was trying to protect you.
So yes, you might miss:
the attention
the intensity
the familiarity
the version of yourself you were trying to be
You might long for the pattern, not the person.
You might feel pulled toward what you know, even if what you know wasn’t good for you.
This isn’t failure.
It’s biology.
You’re Allowed to Grieve Without Going Back
Missing someone who hurt you doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice.
It means you’re human, and you’re healing.
Here’s what I want you to know as you move through this:
1. Your grief doesn’t need to make sense to be real
You don’t have to justify it.
You don’t have to explain it.
You don’t have to earn compassion.
2. Conflicting feelings can coexist
You can feel relief and longing.
Anger and softness.
Clarity and confusion.
Healing is rarely tidy.
3. Missing them doesn’t mean you want them back
It means you’re releasing something that once felt like home, even if it was a home built on instability.
4. You’re not going backward
You’re moving through the layers.
You’re untangling the bond.
You’re reclaiming yourself.
If You’re Sitting in This Grief, Here’s a Gentle Place to Start
Name what you’re actually grieving
Not the person. The promise.
Ask what part of you is activated
Is it loneliness?
Fear?
Old attachment wounds?
The longing to be chosen?
Let yourself feel without shame
Your emotions are not evidence of weakness.
They’re evidence of being alive.
Offer yourself the tenderness you once begged for
You deserved softness then.
You deserve softness now.
A Final Word: You’re Not Broken for Missing Them
You’re not foolish.
You’re not dramatic.
You’re not going back.
You’re grieving the version of love you hoped existed.
You’re grieving the parts of yourself you abandoned to stay connected.
You’re grieving the story you thought you were building.
And grief, even this kind, is a sign of healing. Not failure.
You can miss them and still choose yourself.
You can feel the ache and still move forward.
You can let go without pretending it never mattered.
You don’t have to hold this alone.
Ready for Support?
If you’re grieving a relationship that hurt you, therapy can give you a space where your story is believed, your grief is honored, and your healing is not rushed.
I support high-achieving women navigating trauma, attachment wounds, and complicated grief with clarity, compassion, and nervous system-informed care.
I offer virtual therapy for women in North Carolina, Texas, South Carolina, Florida, and Maryland.
Schedule your free consultation.
You deserve a place to land.